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| King_ov_Hell
Posts: 270 Status: Viscount Karma: -105 [+1] [-1]   |
Subject: Lawyer Jokes | |||||
| Please don't sue me!!!! A local charity had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The director called to get a contribution. "Our records show you make $500,000 a year, yet you haven't given a penny to charity," the director began. "Wouldn't you like to help the community?" The lawyer replied, "Did your research show that my mother is ill, with medical bills several times her annual income?" "Um, no," mumbled the director. "Or that my brother is blind and unemployed?" The stricken director began to stammer an appology. "Or that my sister's husband died in an accident," said the lawyer, his voice rising inindignation, "leaving her penniless with three kids?" The humiliated director said simply,"I had no idea." "So, if I don't give any money to them, why would I give money to you?" Q. Whats the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute? A. One stops screwing you after your dead. Q: What's wrong with Lawyer jokes? A: 1) Lawyers don't think they're funny 2) nobody else thinks they're jokes. Q: What did the lawyer name his daughter? A: Sue. Q: How many lawyers does it take to roof a house? A: Depends on how thin you slice them. Q: What's the difference between a porcupine and two lawyers in a Porsche? A: The porcupine has the pricks on the outside. Q: Why did the lawyer cross the road? A: He saw a car accident on the other side. Q: What are some of the requirements to becoming a lawyer? A: You must be able to get muggers, rapists, and child abusers off the hook, and must have at least one relative who works at IBM. Q: What kind of lure must you use if you want to attract lawyers so as to shoot them? A: You may use any as long as it yells every once in a while, "I'm gonna sue!!" Q: Why don't hyenas eat lawyers? A: Even hyenas has some dignity. Q: What do you call an honest lawyer? A: An impossibility. Q: What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should? A: Stick his bill up his ass. Q: What's the difference between lawyers and potholes? A: People do not run over the same pothole more than once TOP 10 REASONS WHY LAWYERS SHOULD REPLACE LAB RATS 10. There is an endless supply 9. Lab assistants don't get attached to them 8. It's more fun to shave and stick needles in lawyers 7. There are some things rats just won't do 6. It's fun to dispose of them when you're through 5. It's not "inhumane" treatment, when it comes to lawyers 4. No one cares when a lawyer squeals 3. We've seen what happens when they are allowed to breed freely 2. Lawyers belong in cages And the #1 reason lawyers should replace lab rats-- 1. Animal rights activist don't care if you experiement on them Q: If you are stranded on a desert island with Adolph Hitler, Atilla the Hun, and a lawyer, and you have a gun with only two bullets, what do you do? A: Shoot the lawyer twice. Q: What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A: A good start! Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying? A: His lips are moving. Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road? A: There are skid marks in front of the dog. Q: What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand? A: Not enough sand. The devil visited a lawyer's office and made him an offer. "I can arrange some things for you, "the devil said. "I'll increase your income five-fold. Your partners will love you; your clients will respect you; you'll have four months of vacation each year and live to be a hundred. All I require in return is that your wife's soul, your children's souls, and their children's souls rot in hell for eternity." The lawyer thought for a moment. "What's the catch?" he asked Q: Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer? A: No Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of pond scum? A: The bucket. Q. Where can you find a good lawyer? A. In the cemetery. Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire? A. A vampire only sucks blood at night. Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a catfish? A: One is a slimy, bottom dwelling, scum sucker. The other is a fish. Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline? A: You take off your shoes before you jump on a trampoline. Q: How many personal injury attorneys does it take to change a light bulb? A: Three--one to turn the bulb, one to shake him off the ladder, and the third to sue the ladder company. Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? A: Fifty four. Eight to argue, one to get a continuance, one to object, one to demur, two to read precedents, one to dictate a letter, one to stipulate, five to turn in their time cards, one to depose, one to write interrogatories, two to settle, one to order a secretary to change the bulb, and twenty-eight to bill for professional services. Q: What do lawyers use for birth control? A: Their personalities. Q: What's the definition of mixed emotions? A: Watching your attorney drive over a cliff in your new Ferrari. Q: What do you get when you cross a lawyer with a demon from hell? A: No changes occur. Q: What's the difference between God and an attorney? A: God doesn't think he's an attorney. Q: How many lawyers does it take to stop a moving bus? A: Never enough. Q: Did you hear about the lawyer hurt in an accident? A: An ambulance stopped suddenly Q: What do lawyers do after they die? A: They lie still. When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law before the criminal gets arrested, we call him an accomplice. When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law after the criminal gets arrested, we call him a defense lawyer. Q. Why does New Jersey have all the toxic waste dumps and New York all the lawyers???? A. New jersey got to pick first! A guy phones a law firm and says, "I want to speak to my lawyer." The receptionist says, "I'm sorry, but your lawyer died last week." The next day the same guy phones the law firm and says, "I want to speak to my lawyer." Once again the receptionist replies, "I'm sorry, but your lawyer died last week." The next day the guy makes his regular call to the law firm and say, "I want to speak to my lawyer." "Excuse me sir," the receptionist says, "but this is third time I've had to tell you that your lawyer died last week. Why do you keep calling?" The guy replies, "Because I love hearing it!" Smartest Man in the World A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane. Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble. In spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane started to go down. Finally, the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and bailed out. Unfortunately, there were only three parachutes remaining. The doctor grabbed one and said "I'm a doctor, I save lives, so I must live," and jumped out. The lawyer then said, "I'm a lawyer and lawyers are the smartest people in the world. I deserve to live." He also grabbed a parachute and jumped. The priest looked at the little boy and said, "My son, I've lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace." The little boy handed the parachute back to the priest and said, "Not to worry, Father. The 'smartest man in the world' just took off with my back pack." Punishment A man was sent to Hell for his sins. As he was being taken to his place of eternal torment, he passed a room where a lawyer was having an intimate encounter with a beautiful young woman. "What a ripoff," the man muttered. "I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman." Jabbing the man with his pitchfork, the escorting demon snarled, "Who are you to question that woman's punishment?" Married to a Lawyer A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin." "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?" "Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be. Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me. Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up. Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver. Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not. Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it. Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it. Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it. Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!" "Good," said the new husband, "but, why?" "You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!" An Engineer in Hell An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place." So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy. One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?" Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next." God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here." Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him." God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue." Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?" Surgeons talk Four surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work. The first said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is numbered." The second said, "I think librarians are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order." The third said, "I like to operate on electricians. You open them up and everything inside is color-coded." The fourth one said, "I like to operate on lawyers. They're heartless spineless, gutless, and their heads and their ass are interchangeable." The Hitchiker One day, as the truck driver was driving along he saw a priest hitchhiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the truck over. He asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?" "I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road," replied the priest. "No problem, Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in the truck." The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road. Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively he swerved to hit him. But then he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so at the last minute he swerved back away, narrowly missing the lawyer. However even though he was certain he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud "THUD". Not understanding where the noise came from he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and said, "I'm sorry Father. I almost hit that lawyer." "That's okay", replied the priest. "I got him with the door!" |
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